Seven Nation Army should be our national anthem.
Seven Nation Army should be the national anthem for the United States of America.
That’s it. That’s the pitch.
Look. We know we need a new national anthem. The Star-Spangled Banner served its purpose, but we can do better. Let’s talk it through.
On retiring TSSB
First, it’s a bummer of a song. It commemorates getting pummeled by our enemy (the Brits) in a war that nobody remembers (_ of 1812). The song was first a poem (embarrassing) and then set to music by borrowing another tune (from the British).
The song wasn’t even adopted as the National Anthem until 1931, which means it was over a hundred years old before we finally assigned it this role. And it’s been in this role for less than century. For a nation that’s founded on the idea of new beginnings and renewal - that doesn’t sit right.
And we barely know what it means. Of the four stanzas of the poem, we only sing one in the anthem. That’s enough - with its tortuous sentence structure, its archaic terms (ramparts?), and weird hanging questions (does it yet wave?) - nobody wants to sing the second, third, or fourth stanzas.
AND It’s famously hard to sing! At the beginning of every ballgame, there’s a tense pause of awkwardness while we discover if the featured singer can even pull off TSSB. Most of the time, they can’t, or struggle through it, and the crowd winces appreciatively as the singer struggles with the huge tonal range. High parts, low parts, it’s a mess.
We certainly don’t sing along.
Seven Nation Arm does not have these problems.
I'm gonna fight 'em off.
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back.
We LOVE singing along to this one. It’s perfect.
You know the tune. Every high school band in the country knows the tune and they’re just itching to play it: DUM. DUH-DUH DUM DUM DUM. DUM. Drums. Brass. We LOVE this. It’s BIG. It’s BRASH. It’s LOUD. It’s a TAUNT. It’s aggressive, it’s warlike, it’s got SWAGGER. It’s good on any instrument.
It’s EASY to sing. We can’t stop singing it. We shout the tune in groups, in stadiums, at clubs. Plus It’s ABOUT independence and self-reliance. It’s a paean to self-determination. It’s outward-facing, and it dares anyone else to get in our way.
And the message comin' from my eyes
Says, "Leave it alone"
Seven Nation Army is more American than apple pie. Written by people from DETROIT, for crying out loud, in a ROCK song. It’s a shining example of an artform created and perfected by bold, naive, passionate young people - the story of the United States writ large.
And it’s ABOUT Independence - US style. Our Founding Fathers were young men! They boldly declaring their independence! Seven Nation Army captures this exactly: willfully independent, us-against-the-world, and fuck-you if you disagree. Imagine the podium moments at the Olympics if THAT was the song we played!
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the Hounds of Hell
And if this isn’t the American story, what is? Go west, make a new home, work hard, and do it yourself.
And the feelin' comin' from my bones
Says, "Find a home"
I'm goin' to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleedin', and I'm bleedin', and I'm bleedin'
Right before the Lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more
Think no more, my fellow Americans. We have the perfect Anthem for us. Maybe you disagree?
And that ain’t what you want to hear
But that’s what I’ll do
DUM. DUH-DUH DUM DUM DUM. DUM.
DUM. DUH-DUH DUM DUM DUM. DUM.
Little Free Quarry
So far I’m a little disappointed with the lack of engagement at my Little Free Quarry.
International_Pancakes
Look, I love pancakes. Everybody does! In fact, I believe that every culinary culture has some kind of pancake.
But here’s the deal. There’s a restaurant over by the highway that claims to serve “International” pancakes, but they are lying. All they offer is ‘Belgian’ waffles or ‘French’ toast.
Where are the delicious okonomiyaki from Japan? The aebleskiver from Denmark? Egg hoppers from Indonesia? I want to try ALL the pancakes.
So we’re collecting them here: InternationalPancakes.com.
My favorite part is the entirely arbitrary categorization. Is Pannenkoek savory or sweet? Where does a ‘flat’ pancake end and a crepe begin? If you shape a pancake in a shaped round pan (like the aforesaid hoppers) does that make them… a waffle?
You can sort and filter by these arbitrary categories:
And we’re just getting started here. If your favorite cultural pancake isn’t on the list - let me know!
Call for Entries part 2
I’m keeping a running list of alternative fiction delivery methods that I’d like to experience. I’m not a writer, and I fundamentally do not have any interest in me personally inventing a fictional story for others.
BUT.
I love reading fiction. I love printed paper books first and foremost, but also I love digital media and the weird new things it affords for storytelling. And I’ve dipped my toe into publishing, helping make other people’s stories real.
So! Here’s a followup to my previous fiction RFP, where I listed out some media formats I’d love to publish. And I’m serious - if you’re a writer and you want to put out a story in one of these ways, I would love to help. Call me.
7
Fiction short story as told thru an iCal subscription. I’ve been using google calendar forever, and I subscribe to several outside calendars. Examples: holidays, when my favorite soccer team plays, home maintenance reminders. Somebody else makes and manages these; I just subscribe. When something new is added to these calendars, it just pops up on my calendar. SO: can I have an in-real-time calendar story that pops up new ‘events’ with the story? You could either place it all in advance, or add it to the calendar in real time and I’d see a new event on my calendar that says: ‘Romeo: 10pm crash party at Capulet house’ with details in the description.
8
Real World Boop. Do you know how cheap NFC tags are now? You could tell a story that’s made of small chunks - text, images, links, etc - and trigger delivery when the user boops an NFC tag with their phone. If I ran say, a downtown business district, I’d set up an immersive story where you need to find the NFC spot in each store.
9
Superlocal Radio. Again IF I had a physical establishment that was open to the public (eg, not my house) I’d set up one of those low-power FM transmitter radios; the kind that people use to broadcast music that’s synced up to their Christmas light displays. Except instead of Mannheim Steamroller, we’d be broadcasting… what? poetry? your audiobook? A fake overhead phone conversation? a numbers station?
10
The back of your grocery store receipt. Those ad spots on the back of your Kroger receipts are NOT very expensive. My local can run an ad for ~$400 / mo. What kind of story can we tell in that ad space? If we can figure it out, we can share it with thousands of shoppers per day.
11
At the bottom of your thermal printed receipt. This is really a pre-covid idea - because now, who even prints out receipts? But there are already little app marketplaces for point-of-sale platforms like Clover or Square that lets you customize the printed receipts you give your customers. But since you’re collecting info and identifying customers, why don’t you give them the next few paragraphs of the story you’re telling? Just print it on the receipt, in the order they visit your coffee shop?
Call me
I do have some first starts at some of these. This spring I worked with my daughter to publish a choosable-path story as a phone tree (it’s real, you can call it at 785-264-6424!)
But really, for most of these ideas I stall out on these because I’m not a writer - I don’t have a story to tell, and without that, what’s the point? But if you are a writer, consider this your invitation to query me!
You can't own a pen
Here’s a thing that I believe: individual ballpoint pens do not rise to the level of personal property.
One cannot ‘own’ a pen.
Really?
I’m serious here. 85% serious. Let’s explore this idea, and why I might have stolen* your pen.
* Wait a minute: stolen? You’re right. I reject this idea. If an individual pen cannot rise to the level of personal property, then it cannot be stolen. I’m using the term colloquially here, not legally.
There’s an old saw from the early internet days that Information Wants to Be Free. So do pens.
Let me explain.
First of all, I’m talking about cheapo ballpoint pens. This thesis excludes nice pens (fountain pens, felt tips, exotic stuff you got from that Japanese stationery store). I’m talking about a Bic, a Biro, a Papermate. Blue, black, red. There are billions of these manufactured every year. And while inexpensiveness itself does not disqualify a pen from becoming property, it’s a start.
Also, we’re talking individual pens. Yes, you could send a crack team of Biro Burglers into a warehouse, and I’d consider that theft. If you knock over a BIC Clic Stic® Delivery Truck, you’re probably going to jail. But individual pens? The single pen where you sign your receipt at the coffeeshop? Not property. It belongs to no one.
Pens are disposable. They last a short time. Maybe you can keep one for a few years if you aren’t actually using them, but as designed, cheap pens come and go like the changing of the seasons. Do you own this morning’s sunshine?
Cheap ballpoint pens are ubiquitous. They’re everywhere. Sure, you’ve been momentarily stuck without a pen in hand. But is anywhere in particular running out of pens? No: they are everywhere. Just think: where do pens go? Pens naturally slip through our fingers, flowing with the tides of human activity. Pens may gather in flocks, they may be locally scarce, but they’re a dynamic public resource whose movement shouldn’t be restricted by ownership. As Milton wrote in Comus:
Beauty is nature’s coin; must not be hoarded, but must be current.
Cheap ballpoint pens are 21st century industrialism’s coin - millions minted every day - and should be flow like currency.
What about branded pens, marked with a logo or business? Logo-marked pens are even more obviously not property. When Elmer at ‘Elmers Plumbing’ puts his company logo on a cheap pen, he’s not trying to keep them at the office. That pen is now an advertisement, and it exists to be seen by as many people as widely as possible.
Elmer WANTS you nab that pen. He wants others to see it. He wants you to leave it around. He wants it to migrate through the community. He wants it to rattle around a kitchen drawer and remind someone about Elmer and his professional plumbing service, his capable, hypercompetent mien and calming sinkside manner.
And yet
Despite all of the above, I regularly purchase ballpoint pens, especially my favorite styles, and I probably have five hundred cheap ball point pens squirreled away in drawers, desks, pants pockets. My giant pile of used sketchbooks is filled with ballpoint scribbles.
One of my wife’s favorite jokes is, “Matt do you have a pen?”, because I always keep a ballpoint pen in my pocket. Always. It’s part of getting dressed, it’s something I check before leaving the house. It’s part of my manly leaving-the-door checklist.
SpectaclesTesticlesWalletandWatch… and a pen.
My point is, even as a personal POWER USER of cheap pens, I believe that their essential non-property-ness is a fundamental true fact about them.
Objections
You may say: if I needed a pen for something important (to sign a document, to fill out a form at the doctors office, to dash off a cryptic note that helps the detectives find my killer) and someone TOOK my pen, I would sure FEEL like it was my pen.
But I say: you’d have the same reaction if someone took ‘your’ parking space. But you don’t own that slice of curb; street parking is part of our glorious shared commons. Your need does not create ownership.
You may say: what about the collection of ballpoint pens I’ve gathered from every hotel I’ve ever visited? They are meaningful to me and they represent a nontrivial expenditure of time and effort. They definitely feel like they are ‘mine.’
But I say: you took each pen from the hotel in the first place (exactly as they wanted you to), thus supporting my thesis. But now they are no longer individual cheap pens, they are a collection, and they have sufficiently risen to the level of personal property. Congratulations, you may keep your pens.
You may say: New Yorkers have been saying this about umbrellas for a while now.
But I say: OK.
You may say: Matt, this sounds like an excuse to be careless with the possessions of others.
But I say: No, just pens.
Have I convinced you?